Akatsuki Chaos
by Otakiya
Summary: Three Akatsuki members get girlfriends and chaos ensues in the grand Akatsuki hideout. 3OCs and the tiniest bit of OOC-ness. Please R&R and no flames please. There is non-fluffy romance . Rated M for language and slight pervertedness.


Itachi's sharingan was activated as he sat cross-armed at a rectangular table flanked by Pein and Kisame.

Three other people sat at the table. Directly opposite Itachi was a dark-haired, large breasted, grey-eyed girl with grey eyeliner who sat next to Deidara.

On the other side of Deidara was a hunched-over Sasori with a dark-brown-haired, green-eyed girl with a rather well endowed chest and strong shapely legs. She was chattering with the grey-eyed girl and with one other, who had a strong, slender body curved like a hour glass and onyx-colored hair and eyes that sat next to Hidan.

Deidara quickly spotted Itachi's gaze and loudly cleared his throat.

"Hmmm, are you checking out my girlfriend, Itachi?" he growled softly.

Itachi quickly dropped his gaze and went a light pink, while Deidara's girlfriend covered her chest and the green-eyed girl burst into laughter. She was quickly stopped by Sasori.

When Itachi looked up again, his sharingan was deactivated and he looked up sheepishly from under his Pantene rinse, onyx and glossy black hair.

"Are you going to answer my question, hmmm?"

Itachi didn't answer but stared a head, not meeting anybody's eyes.

"So you WERE!" Deidara yelled. He stood up but was pulled back down by his girlfriend.

"Let it go."

He sat down and after a whole 5 minutes of icy glares and rigid body muscles. A loud explosion was heard and small rocks and dust fell from the ceiling.

"That came from the room directly above us," Pein pointed out.

"Deidara! You bastard!" Itachi screamed loudly and stood up. "What the fuck did you do that for?"

"You checked out my girlfriend's breasts . You haven't even fully repaid yet."

Itachi rushed off and the green-eyed girl snorted and shoved her hand into her mouth.

"Kamine, do you ever shut up?" Sasori asked coolly and she bit her tongue sharply. The laughter was quickly replaced by a throbbing pain.

"Give her love, master. It won't kill you and she'll feel happier."

Sasori remained still as Kamine stared icily at the opposite wall.

"So Seikyo, have you converted to the religion yet?" Deidara's girlfriend asked, putting her feet onto the table as Hidan etched an upside-down triangle inside a circle onto the wood of the newly bought table.

"Not yet. I still have a few more rituals to do before I can begin."

"Two actually," Hidan finished and looked at Seikyo in the most approving way he could summon, "and its fucking hard too but she's got through it okay."

"Don't flatter me."

"Aww, I love you too, sweetie," Hidan laughed sarcastically.

"I am going to listen to music," Kamine said, standing up to her full height which was rather tall. "Ze, do you have my mixed rock CD?"

"I gave it back to you," Ze replied admiring a small clay bird that was showing off by doing the can-can dance on the table.

"Why do you listen to such shit? It fills your head with rubbish and it makes you deaf," remarked Sasori.

"Maybe because I enjoy it?" Kamine replied trying not to spit in his face.

She left quickly, jogging up the stairs and stopping by Itachi's wing of the HQ. She knocked on the door and it was opened by a frustrated and red-faced Itachi.

The CD was actually getting flippin' boring so if a chance to do anything else presented itself, she would take it.

"What do you want?" he asked abruptly. The clay bomb had taken everything off the shelves and everything that had once been immaculately clean and tidy was dirty, dusty and lying everywhere where it wasn't supposed to be.

"Wow, Deidara can certainly make a bomb," she commented. Immediately she felt like an ass as he rolled his eyes and started to shut the door.

"Wait! Do you want help?"

He hesitated and started to open the door slowly.

"It would be appreciated."

She walked in, quickly analyzing the room which was large and dark and had a few dead, black plants.

"Where does everything usually go?" Kamine asked slowly scanning the room.

Itachi picked up a few various objects and placed them onto different shelves.

"Okay, thanks."

She picked up a few books and placed them in order of smallest to largest on one shelf while Itachi picked up shattered pieces of glass from the light bulb that had exploded.

"Were you really looking at Ze's boobs?" Kamine suddenly asked wiping a small, red stone that caught the non-existent light.

"If anyone asks me that fucking question one more time, I swear to God I'll –"

"Okay, okay, jeez, I didn't mean to offend you."

He sighed. "Yes, I was, but I mean – she has really big boobs."

"Yeah, it's actually scary."

"I want to ask you a question."

"Sure."

"It's personal."

"You told me you looked at Ze's boobs – that's kind of personal don't you think?"

"….How do you have sex with Sasori if he's a puppet?"

She froze and awkwardly put a book in between a slot of two others.

"Could you say that again please?"

"How do you guys have sex if Sasori's a puppet?"

She remained silent, the look of slight confusion on her face.

"I mean you have had sex, haven't –"

"Sasori's not a puppet, Itachi," she replied. It seemed like she had regained her confidence and she said it with reassurance.

"…Yes, he is."

"No, he's not."

"Yes, he –"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"He bleeds, Itachi. Puppets are made of wood and wood can't bleed."

"Have you seen him naked yet?"

"N – "

"Have you seen him with out a top on? There's a line that shows his head is connected to his neck."

"Yes, and its your spine. You know? The thing that runs up your back – "

"Don't act like I'm stupid, Kamine!"

"You obviously are if you think that Sasori is a puppet. It's a bit dumb, Itachi," she said, slamming the door behind her as she left.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Have you ever snogged Deidara's hand before?" Seikyo asked Ze, who pursed her lips and went bright pink.

"So you HAVE!" Kamine screamed and she and Seikyo glanced at each other before bursting into fits of hysterical laughter.

"So what? I'm sure Kamine has given Sasori a blow-job."

Both looked enquiringly at her and she remained calm.

"Actually, no."

"…..What? That's weird."

"I haven't even seen him with his top off yet."

"No fucking way!"

"I'm serious."

"Why do I get the feeling that she's lying?" Ze whispered sneakily at Seikyo, who nodded her head.

"I'm serious guys, this isn't funny, I'm starting to think that he's gay."

"That's plausible."

"Thanks Ze, you've helped my confusion tremendously."

"Well, come on! You said it yourself. He never takes his top off and his hair is pink Kamine, PINK! … And he likes it like that and he's always in the puppet thing and you guys haven't had sex yet."

"Okay give me tips, guys."

"Hidan likes it if I rub his pe – "

"OKAY! THANK YOU, SEIKYO FOR THE PLEASANT INFORMATION!"

"Come on! I wasn't going to say 'penis'!"

"Then what were you going to say? Pancreas?"

"You guys, today I was helping Itachi clean his room and he told me that Sasori was a puppet."

"…. That would make total sense!"

"ZE! You're not helping!"

"Wait, think about it. He's never taken his top off and we know that the Akatsuki guys all have really hot abs. You guys haven't….done any thing yet so he is obviously hiding some thing and he always has that weird look on his face – like he's stoned. Or maybe Itachi's jealous that Sasori has nailed the girl with the strongest thighs."

"Oh, that's comforting," Kamine said sarcastically.

"No, she could be right. I mean, you wouldn't know 'cause you're still a V-i-r-g-i-n, but believe me, they play a major role."

"Ze, how do you know?"

"It's so obvious."

Kamine grumbled sourly. "What happens if he is a puppet?"

"If you really love him, which you don't, you would stay with him – but you don't , so leave."

"You do know he'll kill me right?" Kamine asked. "And I just wanna live so-"

"Why don't you just, like, do it? It has to be easy, right?' Seikyo asked. "I mean, every man has his needs."

"'Cause he's a puppet! DUH!" Ze commented loudly as if they were all stupid.

"He is not a puppet, Ze!" Kamine screamed. "And I can't - he's so unresponsive."

"He's wood. He can't feel anything. Jeez, you're stupid!"

"If you call him a puppet one more time, I swear to god – "

"Okay, I get you, don't unscrew your head."

"Look, you two are the only couple that sleep in different beds. I find that a little weird," Seikyo pointed out.

"That was his condition, not mine," Kamine commented. "And the fact that he spends three hours before he comes to bed rubbing colour lock into his hair doesn't help either."

"Why don't you suggest doing it for him? It could lead onto some more…. intense feelings," Ze replied.

"A good idea, but I've tried. There's a certain way to do it, and I do it wrong."

"Oh! HARSH!" Seikyo hissed. "No pressure there – Hidan locks his hair gel away."

Kamine and Ze laughed hysterically and Seikyo shrugged her shoulders.

"I swear! It's a triple lock – his hair doesn't fucking move! Even in the act."

"That's insane!" Kamine laughed, clutching onto the table for support.

"Well Deidara spends ¾ of his allowance on 55ml of gold-chipped hair gel."

"NO WAY!"

"Yes way. I'm not even allowed to think about that stuff."

"Our men have problems guys," Seikyo giggled. "I mean Itachi uses onyx rock to dye his hair – he says that's what adds the sheen."

"What? How do you know that?" Kamine asked.

"Oh, she's lying. He uses Pantene Pearl and Shine," Ze nodded knowledgably. "I can smell it."

Both Seikyo and Kamine raised their eyebrows at Ze.

"What!? It's true! He uses half a bottle each time."

"Man, Itachi sure has a lot of stalkers."

"He's actually a really nice guy," said Kamine.

"… "

"…No way Kamine… that's sick."

Kamine checked her watch casually and nearly started choking on her half empty glass of Fanta Grape.(AN: How can this stupid computer not know about Fanta!?)

"Shit, I have to go guys. Sasori's probably already finished with his hair and if he's in bed by the time I get there, I'm gonna be in deep shit."

"Dude, its ladies night!" Ze cried.

"Where's Konan?" Seikyo asked.

"She has duties tonight," Ze replied.

"But Kisame's on duty, how could sh –"

"Did I say _Akatsuki _duties?" Ze asked. "It has to do with Pein."

They all looked at each other and sniggered silently.

"Well, night guys."

"Wait! Ze and I found this awesome bra shop, that like, sells bra's that push up your boobs and –"

"You guys can go. I don't have any one to … buy that stuff for."

"Oh come on! It will be fun to see the guys get nose bleeds."

"Yeah, except for Sasori."

"Well maybe … Kakuzu."

"EEEEW! That's sick!"

"Well, think about it."

Kamine closed the door behind her and sneaked off in her nighty, silently passing Deidara's and Tobi's doors before opening one that led into a large dark room.

Walking slowly to the left, she was highly relieved to see the bathroom light on and tiptoed past it, entering the bedroom sile-

"You're late."

_Breathe__ in, breathe out, in, out. Keep the anger at bay._

"You're still doing you hair. Really, I don't even fuss over my hair that mu – "

"The more time you spend with them, the more time you take away from us."

"Not that we do anything, but hey – "

"Have you been using my colour lock?"

"And I would randomly dye my hair the same colour it already is?"

"…"

"No."

She accidentally stepped on his body's case and shivered. She hated that thing. It freaked her out.

Sasori came out of the bath room with his full winter PJ's that covered every single piece of his skin even though it was stifling hot. His hair was done up so that clips of tin foil had been attached to certain areas on his head.

"If you want a signal from the Martians on Mars, you would usually go outside."

He looked irritably at her and moved slowly to the bedroom as not to disturb his curled hair and swung around.

"What the fuck are you wearing?"

"What? It's just a nighty."

"A _short_ nighty. It shows your cleavage and only comes down to your upper thighs. It's more like a long top."

Ze had said that this one turned Deidara on the most. Apparently Sasori wasn't interested.

…………………………….

"Kamine needs a new boyfriend," Seikyo whispered softly.

"Why? What's wrong with Sasori?" Hidan asked lathering gel into his hair.

"He's unresponsive, forgot her birthday and doesn't like sex."

"That's weird, but she choose him and he accepted that. No one can mess with that shit."

………………………………

"Are you still gelling your hair?" Ze asked as Deidara hogged the mirror, rubbing the gold into his smooth and shiny hair.

"Do you think I should have the cool and relaxed look or the frantically busy one?" he asked. "Quickly! Before the gel hardens!"

Ze rolled her eyes and choose the cool-and-relaxed look before wandering if any thing was happening in the room three doors to the right where Sasori and Kamine slept, or did what ever they did.

"Hey Deidara, do you think that Sasori's a puppet?"

"I think he likes to think he _is_ one, which would explain a lot."

"Hmmmm."

"Stop stealing my catch phrases Ze, its not becoming of you. Hmmm."

"God! You slept for ever!" Seikyo screamed putting down the jug of water she'd just emptied in Kamine's face.

"Gooooooo awwwaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!"

"Come on! Breakfast's ready and Konan's just got an idea for a new technique," snapped Ze. PMS ran through her veins and she was not in the mood to be fucked with.

"Ze has PMS so please listen. I want my head to be on my shoulders when I see Hidan next," Seikyo pleaded, dragging Kamine out of bed by her foot.

"Go without me. Let me wallow in self pity for just one more day, please."

"Oh god, what happened? Did you guys –"

"No, he said I was a slut and – and – " Kamine looked at Ze with a angry expression on her face, "It was YOUR fault!"

"What!? What are you talking about?"

"You told me to wear the nighty it wouldn't have happened if you had kept your mouth shut."

"I was trying to help!"

Kamine took the jug and threw it at Ze's face. Seikyo rolled her eyes and walked out.

"I'm going to KILL YOU!"

Ze streaked out the passage, followed closely behind by Kamine who grabbed everything in range and hurled it at Ze's head.

Ze automatically sprinted into a big room where members of the Akatsuki sat at a large table which was laden with food.

"I told you," Seikyo warned and sat down, making sure she was out of range of Kamine's hurtling objects.

Ze jumped onto the table and Kamine, pulling herself over Itachi's shoulder, grabbed her foot.

"It took me three hours to do this this morning! I woke up at fucking four o'clock-… oh my god."

"Kamine, I'd like to point out, at this highly embarrassing moment for you, that you are still in the nighty that I lent you."

"…Oh shit."

"I think that it looks sexy," Itachi commented coolly, pinching the pressure point between his thumb and his forefinger.

Tobi wolf-whistled and Seikyo whammed a glass bottle of tomato sauce into his head.

"Kamine."

She sighed loudly and used Itachi's chair for balance, as she climbed off the table.

"Yes, Sasori, I know."

He followed her into a room where she sat down and looked up at him.

"What's your problem?"

"What makes you think I have one?"

"Running around half naked in front of the whole Akatsuki and flashing your thing at Itachi and you think you don't have a problem?"

"What thing?" she asked innocently with glossy eyes.

"Your … thing."

"What? My vagina?"

"Yes, that."

"I have panties on, but would you like to see it Sasori?" she asked in a high pitched voice.

"I – no."

"You could solve the problem you know," she said, back in her low voice as her glare hardened." It would help if you'd just fussing over your hair and actually commit to some thing else."

"I have business to do."

He stormed out the room, slamming the door behind him. She winced at the sharp bang before she stood up and walked to the bathroom. She opened the cupboard door, taking out Sasori's hair gel and squeezed out the tube contents into the toilet.

"Do you really think that that is a good idea?"

"JEEZ! Seikyo! Please _knock_ next time you come in."

"Why? You aren't exactly doing a thing are you? I saw Sasori walk out of here," Ze came in with masses of bottles in her arms and handed them to Kamine.

"What happened?"

Kamine squeezed the gel out into the toilet without answering.

"Its starting to look like see-through crap guys," Seikyo pointed out and Ze stuck her tongue out in disgust.

Konan walked in. A blue bag was handed over to Kamine.

"I think you need this more than I do right now."

Kamine carefully unscrewed the lid of a bottle of gel and poured the powder in and as it mixed with the gel it quickly became transparent.

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Yeah, well it'll be fun."

"He's going to be so pissed at you!"

"Actually, he already is. Thanks Konan."

Ze flushed the toilet and watched the gel disappear with a smirk on her face while Seikyo carried the bottles and chucked them away, making sure that they were hidden in the bin before walking back.

"Well, she needs some TLC and I need a few more over shoulder boulder holders. Konan, you coming?"

"Dunno guys – "

"Pein won't leave you alone – "

"Okay."

"Can I get dressed first..please?'

"Go ahead. Oh and you know that you practically flashed Itachi every thing that you possess, right?"

"I HAVE PANTIES ON! And why is it such a big deal anyway?"

"'Cause it was Itachi – not Sasori, and don't wear that Kamine. It looks weird if you're not riding."

"But I like wearing my riding pants!"

"It's called jeans and a T-Shirt."

Kamine grumbled and tried to remember the last time she had ridden.

"Let's go."

"I can't wait to see Hidan's face when he sees me," Seikyo giggled, wearing a dark, silvery grey, push-up bra.

"Deidara will be pleased."

"Yeah, not that you need one, Ze," Kamine pointed out and laughed.

"I like to look nice for him, guys," she pouted and held up the dark gold-and-black laced bra.

"Do you think I should wear the orange or the blue?" Konan asked holding both up.

"Blue suits you better, but Pein will like the orange."

"Poor Kamine. You should wear it anyway and parade it around in front of Itachi or something."

"But I want to do it with Sasori. I'm his _girlfriend_ and he doesn't notice me."

"Well, we are in your bedroom. If we mess it up, will it help?"

"Are you insane? Do you want me to have a hole in my head the next time you see me?"

"….Yes."

Kamine picked up a hanger and threw it with all her might at Ze.

"Well at least you got one."

"Yeah, but how the hell am I supposed to use it?"

"I think that pink looks good on you."

"It's dark pink with black lace. It looks emo.

"No, it looks sexy emo."

"Why are you in here?"

Everyone stopped and turned quickly.

"Oh my god. Sasori."

"Get out of the bedroom."

They got up and walked out. Kamine followed sneakily behind them but Sasori blocked her path.

"Except you. I need to talk to you."

"I didn't do anything."

"I know, it's not about them but..umm .. what's this?"

"Oh that? It's just a bra – it holds up my boobs."

"….Do you…ahh… want to ….copulate?"

"…Ohhhh! You mean have sex? I wouldn't mind."

_**YES!**_

"Oh." He looked slightly relieved.

"Well, Itachi needs my help with something... so – " he pulled out from the bedroom and Kamine sighed and rolled her eyes and decided to wear the bra.

"Hey, Hidan?"

"Its my personal alone time with the mirror, Seikyo," he replied, not yet irritable, but certainly peeved.

"Yeah, I know, but you see, I brought this thing today –" she walked into the bathroom with her newly purchased bra " – and I just wandered if it was okay. I mean, it feels really tight." She started to adjust the strap behind her back.

Hidan dropped his hair gel into the basin.

"Could you help me please? My bra straps are so uneven that it's really uncomfortable, or maybe you could help me take it off?"

_**NOSEBLEED**_

"Oh... umm... fuck…okay."

He couldn't really move and stared at her through the mirror.

"I'm sorry about the gel."

"No, it's okay."

He opened the cupboard and took out another bottle from the humongous stock pile that stood in neat little lines. He opened it and smeared the gel onto his hair.

"Oh, so you're not interested then. Okay, maybe next time."

The second bottle of hair gel dropped to the basin and Hidan swung around.

"No! Wait, Seikyo."

She did, turning around in the doorway of the bathroom and looking over her shoulder at him, smirking.

Hidan looked at her, then looked at the basin, then looked at her again.

"Oh God, help me!"

Ze stood in the bathroom doorway (much like Seikyo) and pulled her top down, showing off the effects of the expensive gold-and-black bra.

"Deidara?"

"Hmmmm?"

"I need your opinion. Do you like the gold and black, or should I go back to buy another one?"

"What gold and black?" he answered, still staring at his hair and debating where he should place the gold chipped gel.

Ze lifted her top to her neck and looked down.

"Well, I don't know. Gold isn't really my thing."

Deidara stared at her image in the mirror, the gold gel dripping from his fingers.

"No, I thought that you didn't like it."

Deidara lifted his fingers and smeared the gel along his cheek.

"Oh. Jeez."

"Hmmmmm, I could always take it back."

"…My catch phrase."

She lowered her top and walked away while Deidara rubbed the gel off his cheek.

"Ze."

"I'm coming now, I just want to change the bra."

"Will you ask me again if I like it, hmmmm?"

She sighed, turned around and lifted her top up to display the bra.

"Do you like it?"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm – "

"What are you doing?"

"Elongating the amount of time that you have to keep your top up. What the fuck else?"

"Or you can just ask me to take it off."

"……"

He tried to act stately, pulling his back up and crossing his arms.

"For your sake, I think that you should take it off, you know, to give your arms a break."

She snorted at him and threw it off.

Kamine sat on the bed and adjusted the bra straps. It was a perfect fit.

She sat there while Sasori awkwardly opened the door and locked it behind him.

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay."

"…..I talked to the guys and they say you want to ….copu – "

"Have sex."

"….Have sex and, um… this is awkward."

"Look if you want to wait, I don't mind, but I've known you for like, two years Sasori, I mean Ze and Seikyo – "

"Have nothing to do with this."

"You know, I was considered the man lover of the group, and now, like five years later, they've had, like three years of experience and I'm still a virgin."

She got up quickly and walked up to him and sat on the chair by the small table.

"Sasori, do you have issues?"

"With what?"

"…With your sex life or sexuality."

"…….I'M NOT GAY!"

"I didn't mean that but do you, you know, have to use, like Viagra or some thing?"

"NO!"

"Well I'm just asking. Sorry!"

He stormed out, stormed back in, kissed her roughly and then stormed out again.

"Jeez Sasori! Do you have lead in your lips?" she screamed, touching her bottom lip and wincing at the sharp pain.

She walked into the bathroom, which was mainly dominated by Sasori, and looked in the mirror.

Her bottom lip was bleeding and the top one looked like it was going to bruise in the morning.

A shard of some thing had lodged itself into her lip and she pulled it out, wiping off the excess blood and held it up into the light.


End file.
